Just polished off lunch, which was chicken and broccoli cooked in soy sauce. Relatively healthy (I’ll put the recipe up on the recipes page soon) and carb free to boot, which is the best part! The reason i’m giving myself a shout-out here though, is that yesterday was not a good day. Yesterday was a very sad and/or apathetic day. As i said before, I was pushed into a shower, I spent all day on the computer playing an RPGMMO and vegging, and I didn’t eat breakfast or dinner. However… what I did manage to do was drag my ass out my computer chair for half an hour to make enough ‘lunch’ for yesterday, today and two more servings to boot (the chicken was gonna go off if i didnt use it soon). Because I did that, I was able to use a good day like today to study before my lecture and walk to to the shops to buy some sponges so I can tackle the kitchen later! I’m grateful to my past self… and very proud of her! Proud, because on those ‘down’ days, it can take a monumental amount of mental energy to haul your body up. Your body feels so heavy, and your brain just so tired of dragging it about. A baby step at a time, but it means that I know now that even on my bad days I can be a little productive.
Two steps forward…
So I’ve finally taken the time to sit down and write out my commandments… and then I remembered two more, as is always the way. They’re written on an A4 page that is stuck up just inside my bedroom door so it’s one of the first things I see in the morning. I was going to put a picture up but some of the colours are being weird in the camera (I wrote it colourful to make me smile) so i’ll just write them out here!
Today I will TRY to:
Be better than yesterdays me
Remember that personal hygiene is a thing!
(Remember to brush teeth and shower)
Do something Academic
Do something Physical
Do something Creative
Do something Kind
Dress to Impress
Drink Lots of Water
Do something that makes me uncomfortable
Read for 30 mins before bed
Meditate for 15 minutes every morning
The road is long and hard, but you CAN do it! I BELIEVE that you can!
The last two are the ones I remembered after writing out the page, but that’s okay. Your commandments might be different, of course, as everyone struggles differently. The personal hygiene one is a big one, as when I get down I tend to neglect it and after two or three days of having not had a shower or brushed my teeth at all I feel gross, which just makes me feel worse! Whenever I notice myself getting down I try and force myself into the shower. It doesn’t always happen… yesterday I was carried into the bathroom and pushed into the shower, much to my annoyance, and it did help.
Doing something uncomfortable is also going to be a big one… i’m pushing to try and combat my anxiety, which is a very tough road. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to call the insurance company and get a green slip for my car for about three days now… I hate phone calls.
I’m not great at the meditating… I listen to guided meditations on youtube, and they’re generally quite good. with the anxiety, it’s very difficult to clear my mind and not think about anything, but I do feel like they help get me in a good mood in the morning. I try and meditate before I do anything technological. I used to wake up and get straight onto facebook. Now I try and meditate before I grab my phone or use the computer, to focus on me before I get overwhelmed with the world.
Every day i’m going to try and go through the list and tell you guys how I coped today and what i’m going to TRY and do better tomorrow.
Catch you guys soon!
Hello there!! My name is Poss 🙂
Okay, it isn’t really… I made up the nickname when I was little. And yes, yes I do know that I spelt “Possum” wrong, but what a lot of people don’t realise is that I did that on purpose. I did it because someone who’s different deserves a nickname that’s different.
When I was a kid, I was very weird. I know a lot of my classmates thought I couldn’t see the sideways looks and hear the mutterings (Or they knew I could and they didn’t care) but I remember every one. I never really thought of myself as different until high school and even then, I embraced what made me different. I thought. Truth was though that I admired my best friend in every aspect. She was (and still is) smart, funny, skinny and beautiful. Everyone liked her and wanted to be friends with her and anyone who didn’t, she didn’t care about that opinion. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to be smart, and funny and have people who actively wanted to be my friend rather than just putting up with me hanging about (which is what it felt like people were doing most of the time).
Thing is though, I wasn’t like that. I’m a big scared-y cat and I care a lot about what people think about me. I live by the “Do as you would be done by” motto, which means I will always give second chances and a helping hand to anyone who needs it, regardless of who they are or what they have done to me in the past, because one day I might need their help too.
Also in high school, I was given a new word. One that helped me find myself. “Asperger’s”. That word is very, very important to me, because it reminds me that I will never be “like everyone else” because my brain is just wired differently, and the most important thing is: that is okay.
Unfortunately, in year 12, I developed quite a bad case of Anxiety and Depression. I put it down to exam stress, but the next year I spent studying at TAFE, I got slowly worse and worse, despite having great friends around me, a supportive partner and very limited stress from TAFE work. Finally at the end of that year, when my little sister died, I had to admit I really had a problem. Following advice from all directions, I went for help. I saw a counsellor, I started to take medications and once I had finished my studies I moved back in with my parents for support.
And then I changed medications. And again. And once more because of the hallucinations. And that last time too. I wasn’t getting better…. and unfortunately, being a comfort eater at heart, I was getting heavier! I stopped seeing my counsellor, as she told me she thought I was much better (even though I knew I was definitely worse) and when I went to see a different counsellor she just told me things I already knew… she even asked me for advice at one point!
It’s taken 6 and a bit years to sort my brain out, and discover how it works. Not how it’s supposed to work, how it really works. Last year in about June or July, I started to go to a gym and try and eat healthily. I also tried a Gluten Free diet, not because of the health fad, but because of gastro issues, and other symptoms that seemed to match up. I was off whatever medication I was taking at the time within about 2 weeks. I felt great (albeit physically tired, and a bit hungry).
However a week or so after this came assessments and exams at uni, and along with the stress came the comfort eating. And then it was Christmas, and then it was my partner’s birthday….. excuses, lame excuses, stupid excuses.
Finally, after getting more and more sad and anxious and stressed over the past few weeks, I decided something had to change, and it was going to start with focusing on me. All my life I’ve spent trying to help other people through their problems that I didn’t save any energy or time looking after me!! I realised that I need to stop beating myself up for not ‘being’. For not being skinny, for not being smart, for not being strong…. all of that is rubbish. My new target… I’m going to TRY. I’m going to write up a list of ‘commandments’, if you will, and stick them just inside my bedroom door, so I see them every morning, and i’m going to TRY to stick to them. The fact that we’re all still trying is the most commendable part.
So here we are. Why have I just written my life story into a blog post? I’ve never seen the point in writing journals or diaries… you just end up with books full of scribbles that no one will ever read again lying all over the place. This is my journal. I hope to come on here every day and tell the world how well I managed to stick to my commandments, as well as ‘odd’ Asperger’s thoughts that I get.
If any of my friends or family are reading this, then please know: I didn’t come to you for help because no matter how many times you said I could always come to you, it always feels like you’re just putting up with me. So know that for my own sanity, i’m writing it here so that if you want to find it, you can. It’s not me nagging you with my problems, you’re actually taking some time to find how i’m doing, and that’s awesome 🙂